This is long, boring, and has no point. I just wish someone would give a shit! It’s a bit of self pity… a sympathy grab?

I’m an old man. An event on 9/28/2010 left me with Acute Stress Disorder, complete with retrograde & anterograde amnesia… I forgot how to do my job, along with huge pieces of my history. What I managed to remember from day to day was a crap-shoot. The worst was that I couldn’t remember anything that made me… me!

This went on for ~5 months, so it was declared to be PTSD, and Social Security defined me as disabled. I discovered my autism shortly after my 70th birthday, a year ago. It explained a lot, and brought back many of my memories: the worst ones (humiliation, childhood sex abuse, shame, etc)

Since then, I have developed peripheral neuropathy in my feet/ankles: painful and debilitating. I also realized why I could never write in cursive: I think my neurodivergence caused me to have very poor fine motor control. I’m limited to what I can physically do, as my thumbs no longer have cartilage in the joints (ouch!). This may sound like a lot, but I’ve had a lot of years to accumulate this fun package of life😎

I had been doing ok up until about 2 months ago. I started feeling unneeded (I can do housework, but not much more). The feelings have started a downward spiral of adjectives and descriptors: Dull, a dullard, thick, obtuse, irrelevant, useless, alone, someone to smile at & be polite to, the spouse of, having no qualities or opinions of interest to anyone. This list grows daily.

Nobody knows, because nobody notices or cares. My shrink is for the fistfuls of meds I take, but not for therapy. I did talk to a therapist last month, but it was pointless and we ended it. Where do you start, when you’ve got 7 decades of baggage? And at 71, the medical profession isn’t too concerned about my mental health.

I no longer want to wake up in the morning, I just want to sleep for a few days.