Please read the Introduction first…
A few weeks ago, I was feeling pretty low… in terms of self-esteem; I still am. Among the more benign attributes that I felt applied to me, irrelevance is one that I figured (over the next week or so) sums it all. Think about it for a moment. The personal status of being irrelevant. No other qualifiers, just irrelevant. Not being consequential to anyone, or anything… at all! I believe I have even become somewhat irrelevant to Jamie. I know that she loves me deeply and without reservation or judgment. She reiterates, on a regular basis, that she had waited her entire life to find me (see how we met). I feel that since my acceptance of being autistic, my thoughts and opinions are only meaningful to her if she asks me what I think about something or if what I say agrees with her thinking. I’ve become completely inconsequential.
Now, it seems that I’ve started unpacking again. Not all consuming unpacking, just a daily reminder of how badly I had screwed up relationships due to my undiagnosed autism. Now, the unpacking comes with a bonus: “What might have been”. If I had known I was autistic, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to mask so well; I had become a complete poser. Being a poser went beyond just getting so very good with masking, I became someone that didn’t exist. While I’ve tried to give up being a poser and drop the masking, I no longer know who I was or am (see retrograde & anterograde amnesia).
To be continued…
Leave a Reply